Monday, September 28, 2015

Somebody Invent This Before I Get Fired

I need someone to invent something for me. A salient, intuitive piece of software ( an "App" or some such modern convenience) that will save me from myself. Search far and wide, dear readers, to every digital hotspot on the globe and let no ten year old hacker be overlooked. I require - nay, I must have - a program that negates my natural tendencies when writing an email.

In short, I need the negative equivalent of Google Translate. An anti Bable Fish, if you will.

You see, it has been a very busy year on the job front. I shouldn't complain, really, as this is much preferable to the alternative. If you'll pardon the colloquialism, we are "busier than a one armed paper hanger". The gentleman that taught me that phrase had other - more colorful - ways of describing this level of activity, but they weren't meant for polite company. The point is, I'm tired and any tact I possessed at the beginning of the year has long since perished.

That brings me to my current predicament. You see, I get a great number of emails during the course of a day. Not as many as some, but more than most. Most of these messages are urgent cries for the results of this or that survey or perhaps explaining why their point of view supersedes anyone else's. It is this sort of missive that usually sets me off. So much so, that my natural instinct is to write something like this:

Mr./Ms. X;

Stop being a dumbass and let me do my job.


Now, this just simply won't do. As gratifying as this might be, it would invariably end up poorly for me in the long run. Thus, I need an app that will filter this sort of thing for me before I hit "send". I need a program that will take the above and translate it into something more like this:

Dear Mr./Ms. X,

Thank you for your concern regarding this matter. I have reviewed your email and will take serious consideration of the items listed therein. Should it be found that changes in our procedures  be required, be assured that every and all actions will be fully implemented. thank you again for your time and consideration.

Best regards,

M. Moir

Please, dear readers, won't someone save me?


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