The Perfect Diets?

            Back in February, Lana and I decided to start diets. Actually that isn’t true. We decided before that, but the date to start them was determined to be in early February, after we got back from our cruise to the Panama Canal. It had something to do with pigging out at the daily buffet on the ship. It’s all about timing.

            But what diet? Lana did some research. A lot of people at our church were losing A LOT of weight with a company called Ideal Protein. We went to a presentation and were impressed. It basically amounted to no carbs, using their pre-packaged foods or your own, with vitamin supplements. They watch you very closely, with weekly measurements and weigh-ins.

            The diet consists of only 8 ounces of meat at your main meal with tons of veggies at all meals. No soft drinks, so sugar, so carbs. The first few days really throw you for a loop as your body gets adjusted to it. At the presentation, we were warned of certain medical conditions, including kidney problems, that should get doctor’s approval before going on the diet. I took the diet information to my kidney specialist, since I have kidney damage, and she advised me against going on the diet.

            Lana did go on the diet and has done fantastic. Since early February, she has lost 40 pounds. She looks great, has more energy, and has been able to cut back on some of her meds. All this WITHOUT exercise. They don’t want you to. Probably too much going on with your body already.

            I call her diet “The Bulimia Diet”, because if I were on this diet I would lose a ton of weight too, from puking. Oh man, the veggies she eats! Broccoli, spinach, asparagus, turnips cut up like French fries and baked, and other stuff I have never heard of. Sometimes the smell coming out of the kitchen alone makes me run for the laundry room seeking a clothes pin. Then she sits there and bothers me with waving forks full of that stuff in my face and saying, “Oh yum. Want some?”

            What am I doing? The perfect diet for a guy. The Atkins diet. It’s very simple. Let me explain. Tons of protein. Basically you walk up a cow. You chop off about a quarter of it and cook it. You fix a salad with it and that is dinner. That’s Atkins. Tomorrow, you fix half a pig and a salad. The next day fix an entire chicken and a salad. To mix things up, throw in some green beans.

            I knock out a cow about every five days, it takes two days for a pig, and of course just one day for a chicken. Oh yeah, I can eat fish too. LOTS of fish! Figure half an entire Alaskan salmon with a salad for supper. We go through a lot of lettuce and salad dressing. I eat very little carbs, more than Lana, but still a low amount.

            As for breakfast and lunch, I have a power bar. Sometimes for breakfast, I have leftover cow, pig, or chicken. Yum!   I consume one cup of black coffee a day and the rest is just water. I have not had a soft drink since March and Lana not since she started the diet. I haven’t had the weight loss Lana has, but I am for sure losing, going down a good 17 pounds since we started. If I took the clothes pin off my nose, I would lose more. 

            When Lana hits her goal of 50 pounds lost, she goes on a transition of what is called her maintenance plan. We think that means mixing in some carbs at that point to maintain the current weight she is at. I will stay on my diet until I reach my goal and then do the same thing, mixing in some “bad, yucky” foods to keep me at my goal weight. Knowing now how we can lose when we need to is very good. I’m about to accelerate my loss by doing something I dread, getting on my moving coat holder, the treadmill. I need to catch up with my beautiful wife.

            I look forward to her getting to her target weight so I don’t have to smell all this crap in the house all the time. It’s like Martha Stewart is on fire.