Thursday, July 7, 2016

It's Official

            This past January, I reached the milestone of 60. It’s funny, but, when we are younger and looking ahead, the age 60, seemed so far off and soooo old. What’s the old line? “If I knew I were going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.” Well, I have lived this long and with the recent weight loss program Lana and I are on, and with the pain and depression gone three years ago, things couldn’t be better at this stage in my life. As a matter of fact, I feel pretty good and age is truly a number. My goal now is to drop the rest of the weight needed and firm up, getting in better physical shape.

            That being said, you can’t change perception. I may not feel like a geezer. The problem is, apparently I AM now officially a geezer to at least some of my loved ones. Let me explain. I went to the wonderful University of Missouri or as we all affectionately call it, Mizzou. Our son’s youngest daughter just graduated from there. In the last year, as often happens during birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day, etc., I was asked what I wanted. More often than not, I respond with, “Oh, I don’t know. Get me a Cabela’s gift card, I guess.” But this one time I said, “Hey, you know, Mizzou changed the logo a few years ago, and I love it, so I want some gear.”

            Lana had gotten me a nice polo shirt online from Mizzou and I loved it, so I was looking for more stuff. Now the word was out. I waited. The gear arrived on the holiday as the family gathered. Yep, I’m a geezer. I got another polo. I love those. Mizzou has the best logo. Then I opened the next item. Mizzou slippers. Slippers. Don’t get me wrong. I like them. They are very sharp. Black with the Mizzou logo.

            Here is the deal. Does anyone wear slippers? Wait, let me change that. Do any men wear slippers? When I saw them for the first time my mind immediately flashed back to television shows I watched as a kid, like ‘Leave it to Beaver’ or ‘My Three Sons’, because the fathers in those shows wore slippers. But apparently those men got up at 6 am with the entire family, had breakfast together, read the paper, sang songs, wore a robe too, then went to work around 10 or so. Really?

            Well, here in the real world, I sleep 5 hours, I walk out of slippers because they feel like flip-flops without that thing between my toes. I need a strap abound my heel. I don’t want to hurt my granddaughter’s feelings. I want to use them. How would it be if I used my glue gun and put a strap on them and cut the grass with them? Maybe I could use them on the treadmill. How about I use them around the pool so I don’t burn my feet on the red hot deck?

            Every time I go into my closet, I look down and see them. I feel guilty for not using them so far. It is now well into the summer, so I will use them in some manner, proudly displaying the Mizzou colors and logo. It just won’t be in the traditional way of slipper use.

            Not long after Lana and I were married, 35 years ago, she asked me if I would like a bathrobe. I think I responded something to the effect of, “Men should never wear a bathrobe. Bad idea. We look bad in them and don’t know how to wear them. Women have style and class and couth and we don’t. Women know how cross their legs and hide things. Men wear robes and show EVERYTHING.” I think she spit her coffee about three feet.

            I’ve never owned a robe and never will. It’s another geezer thing. Men should never wear one. NEVER. It is always bad news. Every single time we go visit a friend and they come out wearing a robe, it is like, “Hello, how ya doing?” Now please understand we went to visit our friends, not his Jupiter and moons.

            The first time this happened, I leaned over to Lana on the couch and whispered to her, “And THAT’S why I don’t wear a robe.”

            I don’t know how to properly cross my legs to hide everything and don’t want to. If I need to think about such things, then maybe I should just wander in the transgender bathroom with lipstick and mascara.