Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Rat With Fur

If you read my last posting, you know my wife, Lana retired two weeks ago.  Two days later, we drove to southern Illinois to pick up a puppy.  To be exact, the breed is a Yorkie.  I knew about this ahead of time, so it wasn’t a conspiracy, but it was.  I was set up.  Her name is Izzy.  She weighs a little over a pound.

Let’s get things straight.  This is not a dog.  This is a rat with fur.  A Doberman is a dog.  A German Shepard is a dog.  A St. Bernard is a dog.  Izzy is NOT a dog.  I used to walk around the house with my head up, looking ahead, not concerned about obstacles.  This thing is a tiny, silent moving constant pain to my feet.  I constantly have to worry about where she is, and then suddenly I feel her nipping on my toes.  I’d put a bell around her neck, but it would drag her head to the ground, and she would go around all day like a four-legged vacuum cleaner.

Lana bought a used toddler play yard to contain her for night time.  We put it in the dining room.  It’s one of those large octagonal ones that stands around two and half feet tall.  We used it in such a way from one wall to another to give her a large area to sleep and play in.  Lana placed a “pee pad” in there with our tile floor.  She had tons of toys, a bed, water and food, all the necessities of home.  When I came out at 5 a.m. the next morning, she was sound asleep in front of Lana’s chair.  We thought there must have been a gap along a wall.  We played with the play yard the next two nights with the same result, the Rat with fur sleeping in front of Lana’s chair.  It turned out she was scaling the webbing of the play yard like she performed in Cirque du Soleil.

I’ve gone to Lowe’s and spent $60 on Plexiglas.  I cut it into sheets and drilled holes and attached the sheets with zip ties so she can’t scale the play yard any longer.  Smart right?  Maybe, maybe not.  She didn’t like it one bit and proceeded to howl, moan, bark, and basically voice her displeasure all night long.  My response to Lana?

“It’s your dog.”

Her response about the night?

“She needs to get adjusted to the situation.”

Probably not good responses buy either of us.  As Paul Harvey used to say, here is the rest of the story.  The reason why she was so upset all night long was because for the preceding three nights, she slept with us.  Yep, that’s right.  Whose idea?  Yep, that’s right also.  So, the Rat with fur was already conditioned to have a good night’s sleep with good ole’ mommy and then bad ole’ me threw her in the pen.  It’s a conspiracy.

Let’s talk about the pee pad.  Before we picked up the Rat with fur, supposedly she was practically potty trained with these pee pads.  Here is the thing.  She was used to having a tile floor with the pee pad.  We have a tile floor in the kitchen and dining room and bathrooms.  That’s all.  The rest of our home is carpeted.  We have quickly found out when you put down a pee pad with the Rat on carpeting, she gets confused and thinks the carpeting is one big pee pad.  So, she just goes any old place she feels like it EXCEPT on the pee pad.

Lana’s idea for the answer?  Rip out all the carpeting and replace it with hardwood floors.  Really?  How about a catheter?  How about the Rat suddenly becoming an outside dog?  Probably not.  This one-pound dog is suddenly becoming very expensive.

Lana and I both keep our laptops right by our recliners plugged into the wall behind us.  I was informed I can’t do that any longer.  The Rat chews on the power cord.  I now have to disconnect the cord and put it somewhere higher up so she can’t get it.  I’m picturing the cat in Christmas Vacation.  How about if we take her to the Vet and get her a set of dentures?  Probably not.  This is not a cheap dog.  Oh yeah, I used to come in and take off my shoes inside the door too.  Nope, no more of that.  She chews on the laces.  I now have to take them to our bedroom and close the door.  I have rules.  I didn’t have rules before.  I did, just not this many and not because of something that can’t talk to me.

Is she cute?  Do I like her?  Yes, but that is not the point.  Something so small should not cost so much and cause so many challenges.  There is a new sheriff in my house and it is not even human.

This weekend Izzy and I are going to look on my computer at house plans.  Building a new house would be cheaper than what we have to do to ‘De-Izzy’ the place.  While I have her on my lap, I’m going to file her teeth.  The Rat could punch holes through steel with those things.  I’ll keep you updated on the Rat.

1 comment:

  1. Had me laughing out loud at work, Keith. You're going to get me fired! PLEASE keep us updated on the Rat, and also where you placed Izzy's suite with the new house plans!