Thursday, December 11, 2014

The Joys of Anesthesia

           I would like to talk to you about the wonders of anesthesia.  Yeah, I know, I seem to be hung up on health themes.  That’s because when you reach my age things break and you need doctors to fix them.  When you need doctors to fix them, you go through procedures and experience things.  When you experience things, you tend to talk about them.  Hence, here I am talking about them.  Today it’s anesthesia.  Hopefully all of you know what that is.  For those of you that don’t, it is when the doctor give you a drug or multiple drugs that are SUPPOSED to knock you out for a procedure or operation.  Notice I said “supposed” to.

            I have two younger sisters.  One of them, Patti, is 18 months younger and haves something very much in common with me.  We have a tendency to wake up in the middle of procedures and operations.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?  Fortunately, I haven’t had any real major surgeries, just knee and nose and appendix.   Patti had worse and woke up in the middle of it, feeling the pain and was unable to speak.  Not good.

            My timing is a little better, thank God.  My first experience was during the appendix operation and they had just finished.  We were still in the operating room and I woke up.  The doctor and nurses were carrying on a conversation and I joined in.  That sort of surprised them to say the least.  The same thing happened during my nose surgery and during my knee surgery, both times freaking my doctors out.  They had more “juice” applied immediately and i was out again.

            As you all know by now, I have a good sense of humor.  After a few procedures and a couple operations, my favorite times came during my least favorite procedure, the colonoscopy.  Now I’m just guessing that most of our audience is under 50 and therefore has not had the pleasure of going through one of these wonderful tests yet.  I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of stories or read about them, but let me add my version.

            When you reach the age of 50, apparently your body starts to go to Hell, or as I have stated before, your warranty runs out.  What they don’t tell you is that it begins with your ass.  As soon as you turn 50 you are supposed to run as fast as you can to this special ass doctor and have him or her check you out to make sure nothing horrible is growing up inside you.  It really is magical because these nasty things that can grow inside you don’t start to grow until the VERY day you turn 50.  Amazing!!!

            The ass doctor will call in a script for you to the pharmacy that is like a super concoction of ex-lax mixed with Gatorade.  They give you about 10 gallons to drink and tell you to drink it half in one evening before the procedure and then the rest the next morning before you leave for the ass doctor’s office.  Now then, what they don’t tell you is this.  You need to take the jug and a glass to pour it into with you to the bathroom.  Don’t expect to be able to leave the bathroom.  Trust me, you’re not leaving.  You will also need a TV and duct tape.  The duct tape is to tape yourself to the toilet so you can get some sleep.  I’m telling you, you’re not leaving that room.  The other option is to drink that concoction in the tub.

            Repeat the process in the morning.  Trust me, what is coming out of you is cleaner than the city water.  Time to go.  By now you are praying you can make it there.  You’re hungry but that is the last thing on your mind.

            The doctor comes in and explains what is going to happen.  You are going to be put out and not feel a thing.  When you wake up, he will come back in and tell you if they found anything.  Here is what they DON’T tell you; He hooks up a Go-Pro to a garden hose and shoves it up your ass and watches everything on a TV screen.  I know because I wake up in the middle of this stuff.  Yep.

            The first time I looked up (they have you lay on your side) and saw what was going on by watching TV.  I felt incredible pressure on my ass as he shoved and shoved.  I looked back over my shoulder at him and said, “Hey there, find anything?”

            He just looked at me shook his head.  He knew I was a smartass.  “Everything so far is fine.  Do you want to watch TV or do you want to be out?”

            “I’m fine.  Do you guys have any popcorn?”

            They all just laughed and kept going. 

            Five years later I had the same doctor for my next one and I swear when he walked in and saw me, he said, “I remember you.  I’m going to give you more this time.”
            He did, but it wasn’t enough.  I woke up again and we talked through it again.

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