Thursday, January 8, 2015
Hope for 2015
Reading Randy’s post gave me the idea for writing this one. Now that we have started the new year, I know a lot of people have a habit of making New Year’s resolutions that tend to last about as long as the wrapping paper of their Christmas gifts. Personally, I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. I silently do what I call New Year Hopes. Yes, I said silently. I normally don’t tell anyone about this, even my wife Lana. It is just like a silent prayer for the New Year, a wish list. Here it goes.
First the obvious. Without slamming my religious beliefs in everyone’s face, I am a Christian and I will just simply say that my number one wish is for everyone I know to have a happy and healthy year. I say that, but with the understanding that that is out of my hands. I wish the same for everyone out there reading my words. I wish for a better year than last year for everyone. The Lord has been very good to me since I have come out of pain a couple years ago. I continue to build a small transportation business that is going well and am thankful for that.
I wish to complete the first draft of my memoir of the years of the migraines and depression. It was a terrible time and looking back on it now, I don’t know how my wife stuck through it with me. Once the first draft is done, I promise to drop back to “The Zealot” and finish it and get it out there, finally publishing it once and for all.
Finally, I wish to repair friendships current or ones that used to be. Because of my past with pain, I spent a great deal of time, 25 years, with no friends at all. Now I find myself in a situation that is very odd and you readers may find hard to believe. I simply don’t know how to be a good friend and I don’t think I am very good at it because I have found myself running them off since I have come out of pain. I consider myself a nice guy and am a pretty funny guy, which tends to attract people, but then I’ll say something stupid or do something stupid to drive them away. That comes from my years of pain and depression and anger at myself. Writing this memoir is teaching me a lot about myself and helping me to heal. This has gotten so bad, I have even ticked off my dearest friends, the members of this blog. It isn’t their fault, it is mine.
My wish for 2015? To heal, to repair. To have The Lord help me make that final step back from the Hell I went through all that time. The worst is over, but it isn’t over. I realize that now. The thing is, I want my friends back. I have done my part on some of them and offered my own apologies in the past for what I did, meeting them half way. Some of them did things to me and need to apologize to me as well. I can’t do that for them. It is my wish for healing to happen. The thing about this may sound so trivial to most people because it is “just a couple past friends” so “move on”.
I get that line of thought. Now place yourself in my past. Imagine you living my life. Because of intense pain and anger, you literally have no friends for 25 years because you run EVERYONE off who tries to get close to you. So now, now that I feel good and am cured, I CRAVE friendship. I crave it but screw it up. It makes me nuts to get these people back. It also makes me close up and not want to meet anyone else new.