Randy is a real jerk! Even if he is right about the hair transplant that he could have had done by any highly referenced facilities in the Indianapolis area... if only Randy made more money. Geez, Randy!
In November of last year, I wrote a scene meant to evoke a moment of truth, with some added mystery (The Absentee Writer). The setting is obviously 19th Century or earlier and most likely takes place in a European kingdom. And, we know the main character is a man who is pondering over a love letter. What we don't know is why this is such a big deal. What is about to happen to him and his love affair?
The mysteriousness is largely evoked on the odd story structure (poetic prose-y kind of structure). However, I think more information was needed to better understand the plot, and the structure made the plot - and moral of the story - too vague. I also think the main writer could apply for Care Credit financing if he were to truly seriously thinking about getting that hair transplant!
Did you catch that the man was in love with another man? And that he was discovered by the cultural police -- perhaps the Royal Protectors -- who had then ordered his arrest? Did you catch the moral of the story, that just writing down the reality that is his forbidden love had made it as real as life itself? An absolute truth?
Probably not! Nor, do I think, you should 'get' all those things as I always try to leave some mystery in my stories. Always.
Yet, here's the plug. I think I messed up on it. I trimmed the story down to fit a post -- I remember specifically doing this -- and I hated that I did. SO... While still wanting to remain poetic and mysterious in nature, I decided to rewrite the scene with more clarity in mind (but not too much). Furthermore, I took what I rewrote, and I rewrote that from third person to first person, and to present tense...to compare effectiveness.
What do you think works? What do you think does NOT work?
Yes, I am seriously seriously considering a hair transplant. I am also seriously asking for your advice. The reworks are as follows: